I recently saw a post on Facebook where a business owner said she felt her friends were pulling away from her as she became more successful in business. She discussed this with one of her friends and the response was “… you’re growing too fast … feels like I’m being left behind … struggling with that.” This business owner is feeling a ‘quiet sadness’. Within a number of hours, over hundreds of ladies had agreed and commented on this post; it’s truly a common thing and hence why I wanted to write more about it.
The thing is, this is not uncommon. It’s natural and it happens. Maybe not with every person and every friend, but it seems to be the way things go. After 30+ years of being a business owner, I’ve identified that about 90% of my friends are business owners, and in fact, 100% of my ‘inner’ circle of friends are business owners. This happened naturally; it wasn’t a plan nor was it by design. It’s not that we only talk about business, or success, or ‘talk shop’, but it’s a whole lot of things. So here are some reasons I think that we lose friends as our businesses take off.
Why We Lose Friends Because of Business
Turn Away
We withdraw and focus 100% on the business. It may even be a case of the business owner not valuing the friendship and seeing that time as a ‘waste’ and therefore not worthy of your time. It may be more subtle, and simply every time someone invites you over, you decline because you’ve got to work, or go on a seminar, or do some business admin. Over time, the invites will simply stop. One way or the other, you chose the business over the friend each and every time. That’s on you, not your friends.
Tall Poppy Syndrome
This is strong and healthy in Australia. For some reason, we just don’t like seeing others grow around us and feel threatened by their success. So, rather than celebrating their success, some people are either openly hostile, passive-aggressive, or simply pull away. “You’re growing too fast” sounds like this. Maybe this friend is not doing as well in their own life, or is developing some envy and even saying things like “you think you’re better than us”. Sometimes the comments can be quite hurtful. I’ve got to ask – if the comments are cruel or hurtful – is that person really a true friend?
Commonalities
As you grow and develop other skills, passions and beliefs, the commonalities may diminish. Priorities will become different. Beliefs and values may not be quite as similar as they were and even your knowledge and education will likely expand, and others around you will feel uncomfortable about that. You might not be ‘shoving it in their noses’, but they will see things are changing. Even your perspectives will be changing; those who are employees often see ‘sickies’ as their right, but a business owner has a different perspective, which leads it to ‘them’ and ‘us’.
So more importantly, what can or should you do about it?
- Firstly, realise, it’s no-one’s fault. Unless you or your friend has been a lousy friend, cruel or completely unreasonable, then this sense of distancing is natural and frequently occurs. Whilst initially isolating, you don’t have to feel alone, sad or disheartened. Whilst one door closes, another can open.
- Talk about it. In many instances, people are not so in tune that they recognise this is going on; they just drift towards others that they see as more like-minded to them … but if you’ve got a friend who is willing to talk, then talk. It might be a hard discussion that leads to a friendship ending, or a friendship becoming even stronger – but I think it’s worth a try. Oh, and by talking, I mean face to face, not texting. Sooo much is lost in the written word and can become quite misconstrued.
- Find out (from a practical perspective) how you can help the friendship. Let’s say the friend feels you are absent a lot. Agree on (negotiate) contact time. If your friend’s complaint is that ‘you’re never around’ then work out an arrangement which works for you both. If they want to drop in during a work day, explain that although you work from home, you’re working, just like if you worked in someone else’s businesses; so 8-5 you’re tied up, BUT on the other hand, if they want to go out with you on a Saturday night, or Sunday arvo, then you also need to make the effort. Instead of invoicing Sunday arvo or catching up with emails, have some time off with your friend. A relationship is give and take by both parties.
- Don’t hide yourself. In order to keep a friend you should not unfriend yourself or shrink to fit in. This is your time to shine and reach for the sun, just like a tall poppy. Be successful and proud of it, whilst also being respectful of your friend. If they are a true friend, they will want to share in the celebration of your wins.
- Try to stay connected with your friends – make the effort to spend time with them and don’t always talk business (or avoid it). Without shrinking. If they are a true friend, they will reciprocate the desire to stay reconnected, or they won’t, but you did at least try. But remember, when you connect with friends, keep the discussion subjects varied. Even if you’re all business owners, no-one wants to talk business all the time, or babies all the time, or sports all the time. Vary discussions and be mindful of who is in the discussion. I have three friends who are in real estate and unfortunately when they get together, that’s a big part of the discussion, leaving me (a business coach, not a real estate agent) somewhat on the side. Be mindful and inclusive, whoever the group is.
- Ditch them. I do not recommend the action that one person put on that social media post recommended and said “lose the liability”. That’s a harsh stance and cutting ties with someone because you’re growing and they are not isn’t kind. If they don’t want to be with you on your journey to success, then that is their choice. It may be a natural progression that you grow apart, but that will occur (or not) naturally. Maybe they will stay a friend, just not as close as before. Can we truly have too many friends?
- Recognise that change exists and nothing is permanent – including friends. Especially when you’re younger and still ‘growing into yourself’, there can be a lot of change in many aspects of your life. Embrace change in a positive way, as even often change which isn’t great, does have a ‘silver lining’ somewhere. Look for that ‘silver lining’. Remember that everything (and everyone) is for a season or a reason.
- Make new friends – it may be that you don’t specifically aim for business owners, but that may occur. My three best friends I met via business networking, sport, and kids’ sport. At the time of meeting, one of them wasn’t in business, but is now. We have business in common, but we also have many other interests in common. And yes, we all love our dogs!
- Networking is a great way to meet people. It may be that they become business contacts and are more acquaintances, or maybe they become close friends. It doesn’t necessarily happen overnight, but if you make a conscious effort to get out, connect and meet with people, you’ll feel less alone. Create your tribe. Potentially even invite a group of business owners to an informal breakfast once in a while, purely to connect and chat. Remember if you’re feeling a bit isolated, maybe others are too. Becoming a host and connecting people will, in turn get your contacts and connections – which may be great for business or great for you personally for your soul.
- Ditch the old adage of ‘don’t mix business with pleasure’. I’ve found that many of my clients are friends (to some degree) and whilst I’m big about professionalism and wouldn’t share everything with everyone, I am inclusive and do endeavour to show a friendly care factor to all.
It doesn’t have to be ‘lonely at the top’ and yes, at times ‘birds of a feather do flock together’ and perhaps now if your existing friends are not ready to fly with you, then it’s time to expand your flock and start hanging out with others as well. I’m not saying exclude the old friends, but perhaps it’s time to make new friends that will fill your heart, share your wins, hug you when you have a challenge and be at your side. But remember, with any relationship, you have to feed and water it; they don’t happen by chance and quality ones won’t grow with neglect.
If you want to talk to me, whether it’s about business coaching, life coaching or leadership coaching or something else – just reach out – happy to chat. 😊 Contact page here.
